thankful for…

watching and listening to roxy PLAY*

this amazing farmhouse and the mystical woods that surround it

being a family

the amazing meal we’ll prepare and share together

sitting by the fire every evening and talking about the day with red

so many dreams have come true in the past twelve months (a thriving child, a house, two new cars, new contracts and jobs that helped most of that happen).  while i tell red all the time, i’d be happy in a shack foraging for our food if we had to, she’s climbed the professional ladder with a determination i have never seen in anyone.   i can’t wait to clink our pear bellinis tomorrow and cherish the present together.

*(it took almost a year for roxy to figure out how to engage in something without self-destructing)



no control

friday was the first time red had ever poas.  we had let kd know we were thinking about a sunday insem and that worked well for him.  on saturday morning, we got a +opk and red was feeling crampy and sure we should insem that night.  we asked kd if he had any time and he said he didn’t and that also he was feeling sick.  we’ve been down this road before so it was pretty clear that meant he would also be sick on sunday.  red asked him straight out and he said it probably wasn’t a good idea and he was so sorry.  we still don’t know if that means cold feet or a legitimate illness but we do know we’ll be prepared with backup next time.  my poor sweet red.  with ttc, you climb and you climb and you climb and more often than not, you’re just pushed off before you can reach the top.  just when it feels like all the stars are aligning (my mother had offered to take roxy overnight!), you’re unseated and aware that there is no control in this process.  kd had never shown any hesitation. he’s 52, single, and quite aware that his opportunity to produce a child is reaching expiration. we offered him an uncle role and he was content.  our own waning fertility remains a concern and we’re in gear to be more prepared and somehow, less dependent next month.  we’re also grateful that at the eleventh hour our dear friends hopped into their car and drove 20 minutes to drink the night away with us, in all our disappointment (champagne, as it was).  and we march on…


spilling thoughts

red thinks she’ll ovulate next monday or tuesday.  kd is on board for whatever but you know how that goes.  we had him over a couple weeks ago and it was borderline uncomfortable to see him for the first time in this way.  i stole glances and turned the minds-eye photos around in my head thinking about how he looks like my father’s brother. he brought roxy the charlie b.rown pum.pkin dvd and us a bottle of champagne to celebrate the new house.  he asked if we needed help as red was repairing our lawn tractor (we didn’t).  he’s been sending red emails about fevers and healthy eating (but not in a controlling way).

i got red a library book about preparing for pregnancy that she flips through at night.  we upgraded our full mattress to a queen.  we’re plowing through house projects.  we’re evaluating role changes – i.e., r usually uses that electric saw for some fire starters and i’ll be sure to take over that task.   we talk a little about what’s about to happen but not nearly as much as we used to.  we’ve been down this road before, at least ten times, in fact and to credit that, i know that as the former womb-holder, there is a certain loneliness or just personal responsibility that is separate from one’s spouse.  red knows how together we are but i brought it up yesterday because i wanted her to know that i know.  there are some decisions concerning her body that we simply cannot make together.

i’ve committed to not buying one baby thing this time around until we know – it helps that we already have a lot and that roxy’s toddler bed can be converted back to a crib.  so i guess now we loosely plan logistics around lunch-breaks, babysitters, and the + opk.