on separation and togetherness

red and i went to look at an apartment this weekend and had decided beforehand that we’d leave roxy with my parents since we’d be gone only about 15 minutes.  she’s becoming quite comfortable in their house and wakes up saying “soapy? sadie?” for sophie/sadie; my parents’ labradors, whom she adores.  so we got there on sunday morning and spent about a half an hour before beginning to head out.  as soon as we said “roxy, mamas are going to go up the street for a few minutes and you’re gonna stay here with grammy and papa” she threw her hands out and said “WAIT!”  cue the saddest crying we’ve ever heard.  seriously, the 5 minute drive away had us, lumps in our throats, saying “should we call?”

we didn’t care much for the apartment and came right back and at that point she was eating a giant cookie that my mother’s friend had brought over.  she came running into our arms screaming “MAMA!” and it was clear, we are all pretty attached.  i can’t believe how far we’ve come in two months.   my mother said she, too, felt like crying as she stood on the front lawn trying to console roxy who wanted to run after our car.  in no small way, we think this is also sending the message that red likes to say: “this is not the community’s child” – meaning we are working so hard each day to establish ourselves as roxy’s primary parents.  also, family guidelines were sent and met with positive replies!

yesterday we met foster mother at the hospital for a specialist appointment only to find out it had been canceled – the letter was sent to the SW weeks ago (and subsequently got lost in the shuffle).  so we played with roxy in the waiting room for about 30 minutes and for the first time, it seemed she was torn about staying with FM and watching us leave.  where do we stand with move-in?  it’s looking like the second week of december and it can’t come soon enough.  a quick glance at our calendar tells me that we’ve had over 20 overnights thus far.  she falls asleep within 20 minutes and always sleeps through the night (at least 12 hours).

one of the funniest moments this weekend was when roxy was tantrum’ing and instead of giving us a hug after calming down, she went straight to a big table lamp and embraced it for a good 40 seconds while we tried to contain our amusement.  when driving her to FM’s sunday night (instead of monday this week because of some urine collection procedure for the appointment), she fell asleep in the car, freshly bathed and in her snowman feet pajamas, we ooh’ed and ahh’ed the entire way as we never get to watch her sleep.  i put a secondary mirror under the rear-view so i don’t have to turn my head as much – i realize how my adoration isn’t exactly practical on the road.

at least when we wonder what she is doing at any given moment when we’re not with her, we know the answer: she’s in front of the television at FM’s.  the good news is that she has stopped asking for it over here (except for some sesame street after we cuddle in the a.m.).


i had mentioned a while back that we’d be moving to another url.  here we are!  our last title was too tied to ttc and we always had to post under a password due to a little “security breach” years ago.  i probably will still post some unidentifiable photos of “roxy” on here under a pw for extra protection.

i was thinking this week about how it has been a year this month since our last insem.  we had a good little system going, having contracted with sw airlines cargo to receive shipments from our known donor on the next flight from new mexico.  but in the end, after ten very un-consecutive tries, i admit my heart wasn’t in it.  we haven’t ruled out trying in the future but it’s truly not something i think we’ll be ready to decide for a long time.  good thing i’m only turning 34 next month (snark).

we had roxy this weekend and we’re still settling in quite comfortably.  we took her out to an indoor play space and even to costco!  we go into these things as “practice” but i guess it’s real-life and there is very little prediction to be made about what will happen where. she has started a whole new tantrum routine that is very much saying “i am two!”  she starts with stomping her feet, then claps her hands, and then the growling is the cherry on top.  i cannot help but laugh.  we had our first therapy session with her this morning and the therapist suggested roxy might have seen another child behave that way (since it seemingly came out of nowhere).  she was in a funk during the session, opting to look at the wall and “humph” because she didn’t have our full attention.  fortunately the therapist is the mother of a toddler and was not horrified.  but she did say we don’t need to bring roxy next time (it was clear we won’t get much talking in when she’s present).

a lot has changed in a week with my family.  my mother sent an invite to thanksgiving after all (we accepted).  my brother apologized (i accepted).  my mother insisted on a family party with my dad’s side y’day to introduce roxy (kind of negates NOT doing an extended family thanksgiving but i had no more will to argue the point).  the party went well and roxy charmed the socks off everyone.  my extended family kept referring to “mommy” not realizing that roxy calls her foster mom that and us “mama” so each time roxy would look around wondering when foster mom was coming in. it was heartbreaking and i wonder if we should make a list of helpful guidelines for family members.  we were in a panic last night because she hadn’t pee’d all afternoon or evening and we were sure she’d wake up puffy, a symptom of nephrotic syndrome – one of her diagnoses.  fortunately i had to change her diapers 4 times before noon today but we were totally anticipating the hospital.  it was at our disclosure meeting in august that coconut showed us a photo of roxy in the hospital earlier in the summer and the image will forever be burned in our minds.  the photo looked nothing like the roxy we know.

everyone and i mean EVERYONE from the cashier at the store, to my family members, to the folks in the waiting room at the therapist, to the fathers at the playgrounds we visit remarks on how outgoing she is.  “she’ll be a mayor!” they all say.  we told the therapist it makes us pretty blue knowing the deeper issue at play and she said we need to be firm about our roles (easier said than done) and not to let my parents (nor anyone else just yet) feed her, bathe her, or change her diapers.  we have no word about the move-in date yet but it could be anytime (but probably before four weeks).  foster mom doesn’t even send her with a bag anymore since we have everything she needs.

anyone have any advice on how to do gifts for a toddler during the holiday season?  we’ll do a secular christmas but roxy is not used to getting presents.  my mother gave her one and she didn’t even know she should unwrap it.  we were thinking of getting her about 5 gifts of things we know she’ll use.  also how do you tell your extended family that you’d rather not overwhelm the child?  we have a registry that my mom has been buying off of (fortunately!) but i don’t want her to buy it all for the sake of putting it under a christmas tree.  of course, most of our ideals have already gone out the window and if you want to tell me to take a deep breath, it’s christmas and kids should be spoiled, i will try to listen to your reasoning. :)